Christine

My heart is full. There are so many words, and all of them are insufficient to communicate what my soul is experiencing. If I ever found the words, they might be too precious to share. Mom, I love you with all my heart and then some, and I miss you. I remember the time I first really "missed" you. I had auditioned for the oh-so-prestigious MadHatters choir ensemble, and was one of two Juniors in the entire school who made it in. And I knew that no one knew what it meant to me, no one could share the joy with me like you. My first thought was "I can't wait to tell Mom!!" and immediately was slapped with the reality that not only would I not be able to share that with you, but every other event, celebration, milestone would be dampened by your absence. Still though, I am grateful for the time that we did have. The love you showered on me, the countless hours you listened to me, the counsel you gave me, and the way you made me feel like I really mattered. I know I can be a good mother because I had the best example. And for that I dearly thank you. I do have regrets: I wish I had gotten to know the other you, and not just the "mom" you, I wish I had visited you more when you were staying at Grandma's. I wish I had told you I loved you more often, and told you how much you meant to me. I wish I had given as often as I received. I wish I had helped out more when you were sick. I wish I knew then what I know now, and then I wouldn't have so many regrets. But that's not how life works, and I know that you forgive me for my missteps, because you love me. I love you, too.

So here's a poem I wrote last night, as I was thinking about today...

A decade ago, a whole ten years

Since you left this world, and me in tears,

Confused, hurt, scared, and feeling alone

But also with an inkling that I wasn't on my own.

I was sitting in class and told to "Come quick."

My stomach immediately hit like a brick.

Not a word was said, I already knew,

I just didn't think it would be this soon

A merciful numbness accompanying shock

Then Denial, then Anger hit like a rock

Bargaining, Depression, overflowing my cup

Acceptance came when I finally looked up

Time has been generous, helping to heal

And still there's life's moments I long for you here

And during those times, the loss feels new

But with the Lord's help, I always pull through

My thoughts turn to you, and I pray that I live

But a portion of how you honorably did.

Your life, not your death, is my memory dear

And I strive to live your legacy year after year.

I imagine your reunion when death brought you relief,

With your father and brother, for whom you had grieved

And so it goes, and I still grieve for you,

Yet comforted by a beautiful truth:

As birth wasn't the start, death isn't the end,

and if I endure, we'll be together again.