On September 13 Craig, Max, and I went in for my ultrasound that would show us the gender. It was exciting but uneventful, since we didn't actually find out that day what the gender was. We had the ultrasound tech write the results down and put them in a sealed envelope for us.
Our plan was to have someone else fill an opaque balloon with either pink or blue glitter and after dinner with friends and family, ceremoniously pop the balloon and have beautiful confetti float down around us as we bask in the surprise results.
So. The next day, Wednesday, we took the results to iParty and told the girls behind the balloon counter what we wanted. We had to emphasize that we do not know the gender, and we do not want you to tell us, or give it away to us in any way! We were so paranoid about that! After looking at the many types of confetti (Craig was being particularly picky) and looking at what colored balloons would not be see through (black, anyone?!) we decided to go with a large 16 inch balloon inside another 16 inch balloon (to make it opaque), and inside those 2 balloons would be confetti and smaller balloons in the appropriate color corresponding with the gender. It took them like half an hour to finish our order! They kept calling us and telling us what problems they were running into. The yellow 16 inch balloon we picked wasn't working, so they tried turquoise, and finally settled on a purple polka-dot balloon, which was blah for me because I really wanted a gender neutral color as the outside. But whatever. It ended up looking really nice and festive!
We dined at Corteo's, an italian/pizza restaurant owned by Yolanda Corteo, our Bradley Birth Class instructor from our first pregnancy. Oh man. The anticipation for me was unbelievable! I don't much like surprises, and this was one of the ultimate surprises ever! Because we had had the results for a day before, the anticipation had time to build.
Dessert came, and before eating, we popped the balloon. Marissa popped it, so Craig and I could watch. One, Two, THREE! POP! The little balloons fell and scattered so quickly that I don't think anyone saw them! The confetti just dropped to the table. It lacked the grandiose flutter of confetti, so Craig was a little disappointed after all was said and done, but people got the idea. The confetti on the table and balloons under the neighboring tables were PINK! I just stood there in shock! I thought for SURE it was going to be a boy! I didn't think I'd EVER have a girl! I kept thinking throughout this pregnancy "What would I do with a girl?!" For some reason the thought is very scary to me! Now that I've had a day to think about it and get used to the idea, I am very excited. Like, very.
Now we just need to think of a name! Its been a day, and we haven't decided on a name, and I'm already stressed! Someone needs to remind me that we still have 4 1/2 months to make a decision!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Interesting Facts
Myoclonus refers to the involuntary jerking movement in seizures, but what I just learned is that people everyday experience myoclonus twitches and jerks, and it is perfectly normal. Some you may have experienced? Hiccups! Hiccups are a type of myoclonus that effects the diaphragm. Also, have you ever been drifting off to sleep and then feel like you are about to fall and your leg twitches/kicks? Also a myoclonus jerk, called a hypnic jerk. Both of these are quick, involuntary jerks of the muscles. The difference between these normal twitches and someone who has Myoclonic Epilepsy is that it usually affects their neck, shoulders, and upper arms, happens on both sides of their body at the same time, and its associated with abnormal brain activity, which shows on an EEG.
So if you're wondering what Max experiences when he has these seizures, now you have something to relate it to.
So if you're wondering what Max experiences when he has these seizures, now you have something to relate it to.
Friday, September 16, 2011
48 Hour EEG Monitoring
We just got home from All Children's Hospital in St. Petersburg, and wanted to just make a note of what happened and the doctor's notes before I forget. We checked in at about 1 pm yesterday, waited another hour for our room to become available, and Max got hooked up on the EEG machine. They attached a bunch of sensors to his head, then wrapped his head with bandaging material to keep it put. The wires all went to a little pack...looked like a little black purse, which was then attached by a grey cord that went to the EEG monitoring machine. So he was able to move about the room, followed closely by his pack, but couldn't leave the room. He had to stay connected the entire time. We were video recorded the entire time as well. Whenever he had an episode, we pushed the alarm button which alerted the nurses, but also made a note on the video of when one happened, so the person reviewing the tapes didn't have to filter through the whole video. They could just jump to where the episodes actually occured.
So by evening, we had recorded 19 episodes. I knew that they had enough material to diagnose him, and that there was no reason to stay there, but when I asked the nurse about it (I wanted to unattach the wires for bedtime) she denied me, and said that the 'doctors' wanted them to stay on, just in case something new happened. Of course, we hadn't even seen a doctor yet, then they all went home so we had to stay there until the next day.
So he slept with it on. We were just settling down when Max started coughing and then vomited ALL OVER himself, me, our blankets, the chair bed, and the floor. Ugh! I showered, we gave him a quick bath, waited for housekeeping, and soaked all our vomit stained clothes and toys (sorry Elmo!) in the bathtub before heading back to bed.
I think Max slept the best out of all of us. Those sorry excuses for beds were absolutely terrible, and the blankets were scratchy. My right hand kept going numb from pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, so I had to keep moving around, but Max seemed to sleep just fine, thankfully.
Just as a funny side note, I have to tell you, when we woke up this morning, Craig said he felt really complimented, like he had really done something well. What do you mean Craig? He said, "Didn't you hear the nurses that kept coming in, saying things like 'Good sleeping!' 'Look at that posture!' 'He's in a great position! Look at that alignment.' etc etc... I said I didn't remember, but I guess the nurses came in, saw Max and I sleeping side by side (he had a hospital crib he didn't use for sleeping) and were impressed with how he was sleeping? I don't even know. Maybe they don't see a lot of co-sleeping and were surprised that he slept so well? Apparently Craig heard it all and it made him wake up in a good mood, like he had really accomplished something during the night! Oh Craig!
Later this morning we were able to see our doctor. Dr. Black. She told us a few things. She concluded that they were in fact seizures. His official diagnosis is Generalized Myoclonic Seizures. Generalized means they affect the whole brain, as opposed to coming from one specific place. She said this is a good thing, meaning there isn't something wrong with a certain part of his brain. She said that neurology isn't advanced enough yet that they know what causes seizures like these, but that they think its a genetic thing, and that the kids who have them usually grow out of them. She said if we knew what was causing them, ie his blood, a certain lobe, an injury, etc, then they tend to be much more severe, so even though we don't know WHY, we are okay with that. As far as it being genetic goes, we'll just have to see if baby #2 does it. There's not genetic testing for it yet. And Myoclonic, which means he jerks, as opposed to stiffens up (tonic), dropping to the floor (atonic) or staring into space (absence).
The treatment options she gave us are Keppra and Lamictal, both medications that help regulate and decrease his seizure activity, and he would be on these until he hasn't had a seizure for 2 years. So if we put him on medication, he stopped his seizures immediately, he'd take it for 2 years. Thats a long time! Keppra, which she recommends to try first acts very quickly on the seizures because its assimilated through the kidneys, is extremely safe, you can not overdose on it, etc, but in 10-20% of cases it causes (temporary) personality changes, which would make him irritable and cranky, in which case we'd take him off and try something Lamictal, which she recommends if the Keppra doesn't work. It works much slower on the seizures, is assimilated in the liver, and he'd have to have labs to check the progress of it every once in awhile to make sure he isn't getting too much, or overdosing, which I think would affect his liver and other organs.
I'm going to call a few naturopathic doctors in the area and see if they have any experience with seizures like these, and see if there is a more natural remedy for him. I figure that they aren't putting him in danger, they aren't hurting him, and they aren't negatively affecting his life at the moment, that we have the time to try something natural that might work without giving him drugs. Then if that doesn't seem to help, or we can't find a naturopath with experience, we'll go with the Keppra and hope it doesn't make him irritable.
So Max got his turban off...he sobbed when they were attaching them because they had to hold him down for 20 minutes, and this I think reminded him of that because he started to cry. But then it started feeling really good when they were washing his head with the shampoo and massaging it, his eyes started getting droopy and he got really quiet. It must have felt so nice getting all that off his head!
We were discharged and just got home an hour or so ago. Max slept all the way home, so we can't wait for him to nap again so we can all lay down. We are beat!
So by evening, we had recorded 19 episodes. I knew that they had enough material to diagnose him, and that there was no reason to stay there, but when I asked the nurse about it (I wanted to unattach the wires for bedtime) she denied me, and said that the 'doctors' wanted them to stay on, just in case something new happened. Of course, we hadn't even seen a doctor yet, then they all went home so we had to stay there until the next day.
So he slept with it on. We were just settling down when Max started coughing and then vomited ALL OVER himself, me, our blankets, the chair bed, and the floor. Ugh! I showered, we gave him a quick bath, waited for housekeeping, and soaked all our vomit stained clothes and toys (sorry Elmo!) in the bathtub before heading back to bed.
I think Max slept the best out of all of us. Those sorry excuses for beds were absolutely terrible, and the blankets were scratchy. My right hand kept going numb from pregnancy induced carpal tunnel, so I had to keep moving around, but Max seemed to sleep just fine, thankfully.
Just as a funny side note, I have to tell you, when we woke up this morning, Craig said he felt really complimented, like he had really done something well. What do you mean Craig? He said, "Didn't you hear the nurses that kept coming in, saying things like 'Good sleeping!' 'Look at that posture!' 'He's in a great position! Look at that alignment.' etc etc... I said I didn't remember, but I guess the nurses came in, saw Max and I sleeping side by side (he had a hospital crib he didn't use for sleeping) and were impressed with how he was sleeping? I don't even know. Maybe they don't see a lot of co-sleeping and were surprised that he slept so well? Apparently Craig heard it all and it made him wake up in a good mood, like he had really accomplished something during the night! Oh Craig!
Later this morning we were able to see our doctor. Dr. Black. She told us a few things. She concluded that they were in fact seizures. His official diagnosis is Generalized Myoclonic Seizures. Generalized means they affect the whole brain, as opposed to coming from one specific place. She said this is a good thing, meaning there isn't something wrong with a certain part of his brain. She said that neurology isn't advanced enough yet that they know what causes seizures like these, but that they think its a genetic thing, and that the kids who have them usually grow out of them. She said if we knew what was causing them, ie his blood, a certain lobe, an injury, etc, then they tend to be much more severe, so even though we don't know WHY, we are okay with that. As far as it being genetic goes, we'll just have to see if baby #2 does it. There's not genetic testing for it yet. And Myoclonic, which means he jerks, as opposed to stiffens up (tonic), dropping to the floor (atonic) or staring into space (absence).
The treatment options she gave us are Keppra and Lamictal, both medications that help regulate and decrease his seizure activity, and he would be on these until he hasn't had a seizure for 2 years. So if we put him on medication, he stopped his seizures immediately, he'd take it for 2 years. Thats a long time! Keppra, which she recommends to try first acts very quickly on the seizures because its assimilated through the kidneys, is extremely safe, you can not overdose on it, etc, but in 10-20% of cases it causes (temporary) personality changes, which would make him irritable and cranky, in which case we'd take him off and try something Lamictal, which she recommends if the Keppra doesn't work. It works much slower on the seizures, is assimilated in the liver, and he'd have to have labs to check the progress of it every once in awhile to make sure he isn't getting too much, or overdosing, which I think would affect his liver and other organs.
I'm going to call a few naturopathic doctors in the area and see if they have any experience with seizures like these, and see if there is a more natural remedy for him. I figure that they aren't putting him in danger, they aren't hurting him, and they aren't negatively affecting his life at the moment, that we have the time to try something natural that might work without giving him drugs. Then if that doesn't seem to help, or we can't find a naturopath with experience, we'll go with the Keppra and hope it doesn't make him irritable.
So Max got his turban off...he sobbed when they were attaching them because they had to hold him down for 20 minutes, and this I think reminded him of that because he started to cry. But then it started feeling really good when they were washing his head with the shampoo and massaging it, his eyes started getting droopy and he got really quiet. It must have felt so nice getting all that off his head!
We were discharged and just got home an hour or so ago. Max slept all the way home, so we can't wait for him to nap again so we can all lay down. We are beat!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
ITS A GIRL!
On September 13 Craig, Max, and I went in for my ultrasound that would show us the gender. It was exciting but uneventful, since we didn't actually find out that day what the gender was. We had the ultrasound tech write the results down and put them in a sealed envelope for us.
Our plan was to have someone else fill an opaque balloon with either pink or blue glitter and after dinner with friends and family, ceremoniously pop the balloon and have beautiful confetti float down around us as we bask in the surprise results.
So. The next day, Wednesday, we took the results to iParty and told the girls behind the balloon counter what we wanted. We had to emphasize that we do not know the gender, and we do not want you to tell us, or give it away to us in any way! We were so paranoid about that! After looking at the many types of confetti (Craig was being particularly picky) and looking at what colored balloons would not be see through (black, anyone?!) we decided to go with a large 16 inch balloon inside another 16 inch balloon (to make it opaque), and inside those 2 balloons would be confetti and smaller balloons in the appropriate color corresponding with the gender. It took them like half an hour to finish our order! They kept calling us and telling us what problems they were running into. The yellow 16 inch balloon we picked wasn't working, so they tried turquoise, and finally settled on a purple polka-dot balloon, which was blah for me because I really wanted a gender neutral color as the outside. But whatever. It ended up looking really nice and festive!
We dined at Corteo's, an italian/pizza restaurant owned by Yolanda Corteo, our Bradley Birth Class instructor from our first pregnancy. Oh man. The anticipation for me was unbelievable! I don't much like surprises, and this was one of the ultimate surprises ever! Because we had had the results for a day before, the anticipation had time to build.
Dessert came, and before eating, we popped the balloon. Marissa popped it, so Craig and I could watch. One, Two, THREE! POP! The little balloons fell and scattered so quickly that I don't think anyone saw them! The confetti just dropped to the table. It lacked the grandiose flutter of confetti, so Craig was a little disappointed after all was said and done, but people got the idea. The confetti on the table and balloons under the neighboring tables were PINK! I just stood there in shock! I thought for SURE it was going to be a boy! I didn't think I'd EVER have a girl! I kept thinking throughout this pregnancy "What would I do with a girl?!" For some reason the thought is very scary to me! Now that I've had a day to think about it and get used to the idea, I am very excited. Like, very.
Now we just need to think of a name! Its been a day, and we haven't decided on a name, and I'm already stressed! Someone needs to remind me that we still have 4 1/2 months to make a decision!
Our plan was to have someone else fill an opaque balloon with either pink or blue glitter and after dinner with friends and family, ceremoniously pop the balloon and have beautiful confetti float down around us as we bask in the surprise results.
So. The next day, Wednesday, we took the results to iParty and told the girls behind the balloon counter what we wanted. We had to emphasize that we do not know the gender, and we do not want you to tell us, or give it away to us in any way! We were so paranoid about that! After looking at the many types of confetti (Craig was being particularly picky) and looking at what colored balloons would not be see through (black, anyone?!) we decided to go with a large 16 inch balloon inside another 16 inch balloon (to make it opaque), and inside those 2 balloons would be confetti and smaller balloons in the appropriate color corresponding with the gender. It took them like half an hour to finish our order! They kept calling us and telling us what problems they were running into. The yellow 16 inch balloon we picked wasn't working, so they tried turquoise, and finally settled on a purple polka-dot balloon, which was blah for me because I really wanted a gender neutral color as the outside. But whatever. It ended up looking really nice and festive!
We dined at Corteo's, an italian/pizza restaurant owned by Yolanda Corteo, our Bradley Birth Class instructor from our first pregnancy. Oh man. The anticipation for me was unbelievable! I don't much like surprises, and this was one of the ultimate surprises ever! Because we had had the results for a day before, the anticipation had time to build.
Dessert came, and before eating, we popped the balloon. Marissa popped it, so Craig and I could watch. One, Two, THREE! POP! The little balloons fell and scattered so quickly that I don't think anyone saw them! The confetti just dropped to the table. It lacked the grandiose flutter of confetti, so Craig was a little disappointed after all was said and done, but people got the idea. The confetti on the table and balloons under the neighboring tables were PINK! I just stood there in shock! I thought for SURE it was going to be a boy! I didn't think I'd EVER have a girl! I kept thinking throughout this pregnancy "What would I do with a girl?!" For some reason the thought is very scary to me! Now that I've had a day to think about it and get used to the idea, I am very excited. Like, very.
Now we just need to think of a name! Its been a day, and we haven't decided on a name, and I'm already stressed! Someone needs to remind me that we still have 4 1/2 months to make a decision!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Hungry, Hormonal, and Hating it!
I am DEFINITELY pregnant. Sure the pregnancy test 'told' me I was, but now I'm FEELING it! Actually ever since I took the test I've been feeling sick and nauseous, but also so hungry I could clean out the fridge in one sitting. Its such a gross feeling...I'm ravenous as soon as I wake up, but if I eat too much, I feel sick, and if I don't eat enough I feel sick. Its a vicious cycle that I'm not enjoying in the least. I'm nauseous, but not enough to throw up, which would be a welcome change around here. Really. I've been eating so much that I made Craig go with me to sign up for the gym, and I've been going every day that their Kid Kare is open since we signed up. Working out feels so great, but if I get too hot, I get sick and nauseous! Seriously? I hope this is only a first trimester thing. Yuck yuck yuck.
And talk about hormones!!! Sheesh! I think of myself as a pretty level headed person, and I don't get very emotional very often, but there were 2 times this week that were just ridiculous, and screamed 'PREGNANT!'
First, Craig and I were playing with Max, and Craig started tickling me (which I HATE, but he does it anyway because my shrieks make Max laugh)..anything for a laugh, right? Oh, and usually when he tickles me, it ends with me punching him in the arm and telling him he's a rude jerk. Haha. This time though, Craig started tickling me and I was laugh/shrieking, telling him to stop, and of course he didn't stop right away, but I reached my limit, and the laugh/shrieking turned into shriek/crying, which ended up just being a big crying mess. I was so emo. Like, I had a hard time catching my breath. I felt so ridiculous. He sweetly apologized after I came out of the office that I locked myself in to sob alone.
Secondly, I was at the fabric store today, going to get a measuring square for my first sewing project ever, and I saw the most beautiful fabric. Seriously, it was this amazing tropical floral yet modern print that I was envisioning wrapped around me in the form of a maxi dress that I would craft it into...(yes, I'm optimistic that I'm going to have sewing skills one day)...anyway, the bolts of fabric are in little cubby-like sections, and above this section it said 60% off! Score! I was so excited, and the bolt was getting pretty slim. So I decided that with the 60% off, I could buy the rest of the bolt (like 3 1/2 yards worth) and hope that it would be enough for a maxi dress. Then maybe if there were leftovers I could make a little dress for the new baby if it happens to be a girl! So I was envisioning everything I was going to do with this fabric as I walked up to get it cut and priced, and thats when the guy behind the counter informed me it wasn't in fact on sale, that the sign clearly stated (in tiny print) that the sale excluded this particular brand. WHAT? Are you sure? Yes, he was sure. I asked how much it would be, and he told me, and it was about 60% more than I was ready to pay, so I hung my head and said, "Nevermind." As I walked away I had to give myself a firm pep talk to NOT start crying in the store! Seriously, I was so bummed and I just wanted to cry! I didn't, for the record. But I felt like a 6 year old girl who was just told that Disneyland just burned down. I still want that stupid fabric. I might have to go back tomorrow to see if there are any remnants left...I mean, it WAS only $7 a yard!
Fun times.
And talk about hormones!!! Sheesh! I think of myself as a pretty level headed person, and I don't get very emotional very often, but there were 2 times this week that were just ridiculous, and screamed 'PREGNANT!'
First, Craig and I were playing with Max, and Craig started tickling me (which I HATE, but he does it anyway because my shrieks make Max laugh)..anything for a laugh, right? Oh, and usually when he tickles me, it ends with me punching him in the arm and telling him he's a rude jerk. Haha. This time though, Craig started tickling me and I was laugh/shrieking, telling him to stop, and of course he didn't stop right away, but I reached my limit, and the laugh/shrieking turned into shriek/crying, which ended up just being a big crying mess. I was so emo. Like, I had a hard time catching my breath. I felt so ridiculous. He sweetly apologized after I came out of the office that I locked myself in to sob alone.
Secondly, I was at the fabric store today, going to get a measuring square for my first sewing project ever, and I saw the most beautiful fabric. Seriously, it was this amazing tropical floral yet modern print that I was envisioning wrapped around me in the form of a maxi dress that I would craft it into...(yes, I'm optimistic that I'm going to have sewing skills one day)...anyway, the bolts of fabric are in little cubby-like sections, and above this section it said 60% off! Score! I was so excited, and the bolt was getting pretty slim. So I decided that with the 60% off, I could buy the rest of the bolt (like 3 1/2 yards worth) and hope that it would be enough for a maxi dress. Then maybe if there were leftovers I could make a little dress for the new baby if it happens to be a girl! So I was envisioning everything I was going to do with this fabric as I walked up to get it cut and priced, and thats when the guy behind the counter informed me it wasn't in fact on sale, that the sign clearly stated (in tiny print) that the sale excluded this particular brand. WHAT? Are you sure? Yes, he was sure. I asked how much it would be, and he told me, and it was about 60% more than I was ready to pay, so I hung my head and said, "Nevermind." As I walked away I had to give myself a firm pep talk to NOT start crying in the store! Seriously, I was so bummed and I just wanted to cry! I didn't, for the record. But I felt like a 6 year old girl who was just told that Disneyland just burned down. I still want that stupid fabric. I might have to go back tomorrow to see if there are any remnants left...I mean, it WAS only $7 a yard!
Fun times.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Little Gimpy
Took Max to open play at a kid's gymnastics facility this morning, and while he was on the trampoline he did something to his left leg...I dont know if its his foot, ankle, or knee, but at first he couldn't put any weight on it, and then he was limping around, and now this evening, he seems to be doing much better, but still is looking like it's giving out on him every once in awhile. Another clear sign he isn't one hundred percent? When I opened the door to let the dogs out, he didn't come running to go outside. He just looked longingly at the door. Poor little thing, and I was so unsure as to what to do for him when he hurt it! No blood, bruises, swelling, or cuts, but clearly there was pain, but he kept wanting to try to walk so he could keep playing at the gym. So I let him try…I mean, he wasn't crying anymore, he seemed more annoyed that he kept falling over. Anyway, its been 8 1/2 hours, I called the pediatrician who recommended an X-ray…which I'm pretty certain our insurance doesn't cover, so I think we're going to see how he's doing in the morning and probably take him in anyway. He's a tough little boy, so I just want to make sure nothing serious is wrong.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
It's A Start
Our house is pretty small. Don't get me wrong, its plenty of space for us, and I wouldn't want anything bigger right now, but its definitely small enough that when I'm in the kitchen, Max can see me from the living room, and even if he's in his own room he's still pretty darn close. Still, he insists on following me wherever I go. In fact, I've tried to shut him out of the bathroom for one minute while I do my business, and within seconds I'll see little chubby baby fingers under the door reaching for me!
The kitchen is no different. And the only drawer I'll let him get into is the drawer under the stove with a few random pots and pans in it. He likes to take each piece out and stack them one by one into a little tower on the kitchen floor, then he puts them back one by one back into the drawer. He usually does pretty well, and he's getting more coordinated with the stacking. Today he was playing in there while I was doing a few dishes, and when I came into the living room, he stayed in there playing for another minute. Soon though, he came looking for me. I went back in the kitchen expecting to clean up a mess of pots and pans, but apparently he had put them all away so I didn't have to! How sweet! Here's how he cleaned up:
The kitchen is no different. And the only drawer I'll let him get into is the drawer under the stove with a few random pots and pans in it. He likes to take each piece out and stack them one by one into a little tower on the kitchen floor, then he puts them back one by one back into the drawer. He usually does pretty well, and he's getting more coordinated with the stacking. Today he was playing in there while I was doing a few dishes, and when I came into the living room, he stayed in there playing for another minute. Soon though, he came looking for me. I went back in the kitchen expecting to clean up a mess of pots and pans, but apparently he had put them all away so I didn't have to! How sweet! Here's how he cleaned up:
Splish Splash!
What a great find! The Dunedin Water Park is the perfect Florida summertime activity! Its not huge--about the size of a public pool area that is all fenced in, but instead of a pool, theres an assortment of cool looking structures that spray, shoot, or dump water! So much fun! Max didn't venture too far near the larger ones. Good thing, too, because some of them looked like they could wipe him out! His favorites were the little fountains around the perimeter that shot water in a water fountain style. They were predictable and smaller than him. (The second picture.) Its about a 20 minute drive from Safety Harbor to the park, but I think we'll be there quite a bit this summer!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Christine
My heart is full. There are so many words, and all of them are insufficient to communicate what my soul is experiencing. If I ever found the words, they might be too precious to share. Mom, I love you with all my heart and then some, and I miss you. I remember the time I first really "missed" you. I had auditioned for the oh-so-prestigious MadHatters choir ensemble, and was one of two Juniors in the entire school who made it in. And I knew that no one knew what it meant to me, no one could share the joy with me like you. My first thought was "I can't wait to tell Mom!!" and immediately was slapped with the reality that not only would I not be able to share that with you, but every other event, celebration, milestone would be dampened by your absence. Still though, I am grateful for the time that we did have. The love you showered on me, the countless hours you listened to me, the counsel you gave me, and the way you made me feel like I really mattered. I know I can be a good mother because I had the best example. And for that I dearly thank you. I do have regrets: I wish I had gotten to know the other you, and not just the "mom" you, I wish I had visited you more when you were staying at Grandma's. I wish I had told you I loved you more often, and told you how much you meant to me. I wish I had given as often as I received. I wish I had helped out more when you were sick. I wish I knew then what I know now, and then I wouldn't have so many regrets. But that's not how life works, and I know that you forgive me for my missteps, because you love me. I love you, too.
So here's a poem I wrote last night, as I was thinking about today...
A decade ago, a whole ten years
Since you left this world, and me in tears,
Confused, hurt, scared, and feeling alone
But also with an inkling that I wasn't on my own.
I was sitting in class and told to "Come quick."
My stomach immediately hit like a brick.
Not a word was said, I already knew,
I just didn't think it would be this soon
A merciful numbness accompanying shock
Then Denial, then Anger hit like a rock
Bargaining, Depression, overflowing my cup
Acceptance came when I finally looked up
Time has been generous, helping to heal
And still there's life's moments I long for you here
And during those times, the loss feels new
But with the Lord's help, I always pull through
My thoughts turn to you, and I pray that I live
But a portion of how you honorably did.
Your life, not your death, is my memory dear
And I strive to live your legacy year after year.
I imagine your reunion when death brought you relief,
With your father and brother, for whom you had grieved
And so it goes, and I still grieve for you,
Yet comforted by a beautiful truth:
As birth wasn't the start, death isn't the end,
and if I endure, we'll be together again.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Slacker
Each new bloggable event that happens comes with a new wave of guilt for not having updated this old thing all year! And we are a quarter of the way in to 2011! I can't even call it the "new year" anymore! Not to mention Christmas. Oh dear, I am slightly overwhelmed. Especially when I get multiple emails daily from Mel's blog, reminding me that it has been updated yet again! But all I can do is start again. And look at that! My first post all year!
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